April 1, 2021
Dr. Arnie’s Fiddle-4-Fun Emporium announces:
SALE ON STRADIVARIUS VIOLINS! TODAY ONLY!
Think of it. You’ve always wanted a Stradivarius but could never afford one. Today, and today only, these remarkable violins are now on sale at the unbelievably low price of $29.95. You heard that right, folks, only $29.95.
Unlike 17th and 18th century Stradivarius instruments constructed of fragile and undependable wood, the new models are made of the highest quality plastic and are unbreakable and washing machine safe. And these incredible violins are pre tuned at the factory so that, unless you’re some kind of fussbudget, you’ll never have to tune again.
Although quality of sound is a subjective matter, the carrying power of these magnificent instruments is definitely not. In legendary Carnegie Hall, a violinist playing the opening bars of Brahms Violin Concerto on one of our Stradivarius models, shattered wine glasses next door at the Russian Tea Room (to the great consternation of its Maitre D’).
But wait! For the amazingly low price of $29.95, we’ll throw in another Stradivarius at no extra charge. Just imagine. You and your best pal can play Bach’s Double Violin Concerto on matching Stradivarius instruments. (Warning: Wine glasses in your entire neighborhood may break).
Each instrument comes with a handsomely framed certificate of ownership stating the place of manufacture (Cremona, New Jersey), and the robot “luthier” who oversaw production. You may want to impress your friends by hanging this attractive certificate on the wall.
As a further inducement, we offer you absolutely free of charge the opportunity to hand in your old Stradivarius violin. After three hundred years of use, you’ve undoubtedly noticed the instrument’s nicks, repaired cracks, and worn varnish. Performing on such an unattractive looking violin can be embarrassing and detrimental to your professional career. But not to worry. We’ll find a suitable home for the old thing.
If Antonio Stradivarius, slaving away at his workbench year after year, had only known about these technological advances, he might have thrown away his tools and become a hot real estate agent.
But never mind Antonio. These dream violins can’t be purchased just anywhere. They are not sold at Walmart, Target, Walgreens, BestBuy, or Shmulka Bernstein’s. Only at Dr. Arnie’s Fiddle-4-Fun Emporium can you take advantage of this once in a lifetime sale of a genuine plastic Stradivarius violin for the sensational price of $29.95.
There are only 250,000 Stradivarius violins remaining in stock so, take Dr. Arnie’s advice and before it’s too late, hurry, hurry, hurry to the Fiddle-4-Fun Emporium. The fiddles are selling like hot cakes.
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