October 31, 2021
In the interest of full disclosure, to date I’ve received both Pfizer vaccinations. Some of you may believe they came with a tracking chip now imbedded in my body, compliments of Bill Gates. Bill, I practiced the fiddle this morning, then went to the grocery store for potato chips, and got a haircut in the afternoon. No need to track me, at least not today.
But with conspiracy theories floating around seemingly everywhere, I’d like to know which ones to take seriously. I mean, wouldn’t you?
First off, what exactly is a conspiracy theory? Merriam-Webster calls it “a theory that explains an event or set of circumstances as the result of a secret plot by usually powerful conspirators.”
So in my world of music, for example, the long-held suspicion that the composer Johannes Brahms had an affair with the pianist Clara Schumann doesn’t qualify as a conspiracy theory, does it? I’d say, nah. That’s gossip. Juicy, but just gossip.
Then you have the theory that the composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky didn’t die a natural death but was forced to commit suicide due to the threat of exposure as a homosexual. Conspiracy theory? Mmm, maybe not.
But what about the virtuoso violinist Niccolo Paganini who upon his death was refused burial by the Catholic church? The church claimed he was in league with the devil. Now that’s a conspiracy theory!
At this very moment, the world is, unfortunately, drowning in conspiracy theories. Did men really land on the moon? Over fifty years after the moon landing, many people still believe it was a hoax. I kind of sympathize with them. When I look up at a gorgeous full moon, it seems so improbable that we could manage to go from here to there. In any case, let people believe the moon landing was a hoax. What’s the harm?
And what about Marjorie Taylor Greene, the congresswoman from Georgia, who believes that Jews might have used laser beams in outer space to set California wildfires. A Jew discovered the theory of relativity, another invented the polio vaccine, but geez, Marjorie, conspiracy theory or not, are Jews really that clever?
But let’s get serious. These days we have to deal with voter fraud claims, anti-vaxxers, and climate change deniers, but they all fade into insignificance compared to the mother of all conspiracy theories threatening us at this very moment. Here in the United States, a pernicious rumor is circulating that sooner or later every single one of us is going to die.
You heard that right, folks. No exceptions. We’re all going to, gasp!, die. I was flabbergasted when I heard this preposterous rumor, but you know what? The sad thing is that some people actually believe it. Not only that, the theory has gone viral on TokTik (or is it TokTok—I can never remember). What’s even worse, if you firmly believe you’re going to die despite being hail and hardy, might you kick the bucket anyway? The mind has such a powerful hold on the body. For example, if I think long and hard enough about a piping hot stack of buckwheat pancakes with blueberries on top and slathered in maple syrup, I begin to salivate. I’m actually salivating right now. Really.
The big question, of course, is who’s behind this malevolent conspiracy theory and why. I suspect that Vladimir Putin and his Marxist, atheist henchman may be involved. Putin messed with our last elections, so why not undertake something even more evil? After all, the more Americans Putin manages to kill off, the more Russians remain, and sooner or later, in Oshkosh or Des Moines, you may not be able to order a bacon-double-cheeseburger and a chocolate malt in English.
One last hope in squelching this insane theory would be to contact the wiser heads at a place like MSNBC. If you could only get Rachel Maddow to stop talking about the Democrats and the Republicans, and begin focusing on eternal life, it just might change some minds. As you can imagine, the stakes are impossibly high. After all, who’s going to want to discuss the pros and cons of the filibuster if both Democrats and Republicans think they’re only going to die in the end?
In case there’s even a tad of truth to this conspiracy theory, my advice to all of you out there remains the same. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, get your zzzs, exercise, take your vitamin pills, say “Om” when needed, and above all, do not purchase a burial plot just yet.
By the way,
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