
Ask Dr. Arnie
April 1, 2022
Dear Readers,
After abandoning what would have been a spectacular career as an eight-handed violinist, I have instead devoted myself as Dr. Arnie to serve music in an entirely different way. Today, and today only, I will happily answer your most pressing questions about music.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I love listening to string quartets but I’ve never heard one live. How many musicians are there in a string quartet?
Alice,
Bat Cave, North Carolina
Dear Alice,
An often-asked question. I use a rating system based on ego size. For example, 1 for a quartet musician with a normal ego. 1½ for one with an oversized ego (often the first violinist), and ½ for a musician with a fragile ego. There are usually four musicians in a string quartet.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I’ve always wondered, is the viola bigger or smaller than the violin?
Max
Accident, Maryland
Dear Max,
I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Do you have to be French to play the French horn?
Mildred
Bugtussle, Kentucky
Dear Mildred,
Ridiculous. Of course you don’t have to be French to play the French horn. However, there is anecdotal evidence that eating french toast or french fries before an important horn solo will improve your tone.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I’m thinking of learning to play the double bass. Any suggestions?
Alphonse
Ding Dong, Texas
Dear Alphonse,
The double bass is a notoriously difficult instrument. You know the old saying, “Learn to walk before trying to run.” I’d advise starting with the single bass.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I get dizzy lookIng down when I play the cello. Is there another position possible other than the instrument stuck to the ground?
Penelope
Santa Claus, Indiana
Dear Penelope,
I’ve heard stories of people under the influence trying to put the cello under their chins. Bad idea! But why not put the cello on your lap and, “Strum, baby, strum!”
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Why didn’t Schubert finish his “Unfinished Symphony?”
Fred
Peculiar, Missouri
Dear Fred,
The word got out that Schubert was having trouble finishing a string quartet, several piano sonatas, and now his B-minor symphony. “Franz, leave it alone,” his music publisher pleaded. “You’re already the laughing stock of the music community for your ineptitude. If you ever complete the thing, critics are going to call it Schubert’s “Finished” Symphony.” And so, Schubert took his publisher’s advice.
Fred, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
What makes a great conductor?
Sam
Chicken, Alaska
Dear Sam,
My friend the double bassist Julius Levine said there are three types of great conductors. “There’s great,” he said, placing his leveled hand at eye height. “There’s great,” he continued, now placing his hand belly button height. “And there’s great,” he said, bending down with his hand this time at ankle level.
Wait a minute, Sam. Did you mean an electrical conductor?
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Does chamber music have to be played in a chamber?
Gloria
No Name, Colorado
Dear Gloria,
Not necessarily. It can sound perfectly fine in caves, grottos, pool halls, massage parlors, supermarkets, and dungeons. “Dungeon music” sounds more adventurous than boring old “chamber music,” don’t you think? How about “The Dungeon Music Society of Lincoln Center?”
Dear Arnie,
What’s your feeling about the Franck Sonata for Violin and Piano?
Abigail
Hot Coffee, Mississippi
Dear Abigail,
I’ve never heard of the Franck Sonata. You’re not confusing the Franck Sonata with Frank Sinatra, are you? Great crooner. Have you listened to his Fly Me to the Moon? Wow.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Do you think the music of Philip Glass is monotonous and boring?
Waldemar
Nothing, Arizona
Dear Waldemar,
Maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe no, maybe yes, maybe………………..
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Why don’t more concert pianists play Für Elise in public?
Ethel
Greasy Corner, Arizona
Dear Ethel.
To the tune of Für Elise, Josepha Heifetz wrote:
Why did Ludwig write this awful tune?
It was Elise
He wrote it für.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Next week, I’m going to Wagner’s Ring Cycle. The four operas last a total of around fifteen hours. How do you cope with sitting through so many hours of music?
Roger,
Okay, Oklahoma
Dear Roger,
I suggest Depends.
Dear Dr. Arnie
How fast is Adagio? Either I’m too slow or too fast. I can’t seem to get it right.
Adele
Bacon Level, Alabama
Dear Adele,
If you know the song Maria from West Side Story, just substitute the following words and sing:
Adagio, I’ve just met a speed called Adagio.
Is that a perfect Adagio tempo or what!
Dear Dr. Arnie,
What’s the difference between someone who plays the violin and someone who plays the fiddle?
Dmitri
Booger Hole, West Virginia
Dear Dmitri,
Violinists tend to drive Volvo SUVs, fiddlers F-150 pickup trucks..
Type to enter text
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I’ve seen both the pianists Rudolf and Peter Serkin attempting to vibrate on certain choice notes. Is it really possible to vibrate when playing the piano?
Hephzibah
Funk, Nebraska
Dear Hephzibah,
Yes, it’s definitely possible to vibrate on the piano if you’re performing during an earthquake with an intensity of more than seven on the Richter scale.
Dear Dr. Arnie,
Why are you so silly?
Olga
Two Egg, Florida
Dear Olga,
I can’t help it. It’s genital.

Dr. Arnie
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Comments
Hilarious!
Many thanks,
Stay well,
Harvey
I didn’t realize what a sense of humor you have. Loved this story. Also looking at your library, there are lots of entries I’ve never read. Thanks.
Thank you for this mindless bit of silliness. The older I get the more I appreciate humor. That—and music, of course—help ease the way on this challenging human journey.
Dear Dr. Arnie, you are always great, great, great!!!
I always have happy days with your wonderful sense of humor
Love
Maru
Thank you! Whether hilarious or serious your stories always resonate with the soul like the violin vibrato and leave the reader feeling enriched.
Thank-you for the best belly laugh I’ve had in a long time!
Happy Birthday, Dr. ‘A’!?
Truly funny. Thanks!
I’m remembering a New Yorker cartoon from many years ago with a rather portly-looking curly haired gentleman and his wife standing in a doorway, brightly back-lit, looking down a staircase leading to a very dark and dingy cellar. The caption was “Schubert’s unfinished basement.”
Questions and answers are wonderful. It is really fun to statr theday with so much humour. It had notime to read it immediately.
Thank you–just what the doctor ordered!!
Funny, silly, fun, amazing, Brilliant!
Happy Birthday!
Love,
Hava
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