WHAT?
April 1, 2026
Arnold Steinhardt: Good morning, Dr. Arnie. What’re you up to?
Dr. Arnie: Can’t talk now. I’m busy writing your obituary.
AS: You’re doing what?
DA: You heard right, Steinhardt. I’m working on your obit.
AS: But, Dr. Arnie, I’m not dead.
DA: I’m aware of that, but a guy your age could kick the bucket at any time.
AS: That’s a disgusting expression.
DA: Sorry. How about “You bought the farm?”
AS: Not much better.
DA: OK. Try this out. “Steinhardt has gone to a better place.”
AS: How do you know it’s a better place?
DA: Never mind. Just listen to this blockbuster first sentence of your obit: “Arnold Steinhardt, the world’s third greatest violinist, has died.”
AS: Come on, Dr.Arnie, you know that was a silly joke from my student days. I was third because Jascha Heifetz was first, and everyone else was tied for second.
DA: I know, I know. But it sounds so good, and especially if you know the truth.
AS: The truth?
DS: Yes, the truth. I consulted the app MirrorMirror, and asked it,
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Is Arnold Steinhardt the greatest violinist of them all?
“You’ve got some gall,” it replied. ”In actuality, Steinhardt is the 3,587th greatest violinist in the world.” That wouldn’t look so good on your obit, old boy, would it?
AS: How on earth did MirrorMirror come up with that ridiculous number?
DA: Glad you asked. MM has found a brilliant way to determine rank by employing the three-T’s concept—Technique, Tone, and Theatrics. You do okay on the first two, but—how should I put this—you don’t wiggle your tush, toss your head, or dance around when playing. That lowers your “great violinist” score. But, alas, there is no way you could do better on theatrics because you usually perform sitting down. Hard to wiggle your tush as part of the Fourplay String Quartet.
AS: Actually, It’s the Guarneri String Quartet.
DA: Yes, but Guarneri is such a boring name, whereas Fourplay adds a little spice to the obit. Fourplay, foreplay. Get it?
AS: Got it.
DA: Good.
AS: I must admit, I’ve never read a spicy obituary before.
DA: Only the beginning, my good man. I plan to have you born on a Liberian freighter to gypsy parents who played the violin and cimbalom. And then there’s the matter of your death.
AS: I hope, God willing, to die peacefully in my sleep.
DA: No you won’t, old fellow. I have other plans for your demise. But before that, in the Fourplay String Quartet you will be a spy for the CIA, directed to examine military installations wherever you perform.
AS: Then you might as well call us the Foul Play String Quartet.
DA: Not funny, Steinhardt, but let me proceed. You will die of mysterious causes. Perhaps a jealous lover will shoot you, or you will be poisoned by another spy working for an enemy country, or your parachute will fail to open while flying on a secret mission, or you’ll die while making love to the exotic princess of Lower Upper Slobovia,
AS: Lower Upper Slobovia?
DA: Just having some fun, Steinhardt. In fact, I wish you a continued long and thriving life.
AS: And the same to you with your fecund imagination, Dr. Arnie.
DA: Fecund? Stop with the fancy-shmancy words. Otherwise I’ll have you die in Upper Lower rather than Lower Upper Slobovia. Get it?
AS: Got it.
DA: Good
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Comments
I remember mother (Eleanor Sokoloff) sitting at the kitchen table in Maine, with Peter Dobrin, music critic with the Inquirer. It was a couple of years before she passed away, so she may have been 103 at the time. She was complimenting him on a beautiful obituary he wrote for Naomi Graffman who had recently died. Mother asked him, “How did you write that so quickly?” Peter confessed that obituaries for famous people are often written ahead of time. Mother thought for a bit, and then asked, “Have you written one for me?” “Yes”, Peter replied…”20 years ago!”
I saw you perform many years ago at Amherst College and while there wasn’t much theatrics, you wore these sexy, lacy socks that more than made up for that. The performance and your socks are a treasured memory.
It’s the first night of Passover and you’re writing about Passing over. So I’m no spring chicken having just turned 81, but I feel compelled to say how grateful I feel for your being, your love of music, your talent, your heart, your humor, your writing. You once said to me at the end of a LA Chamber Music concert, when I approached to tell me how much I enjoyed the Key of Strawberry, , “So you’re the ONE reading my blog”. Thank you and of course I know we must all exit soon and it being a holiday night I’m filled with nostalgia for those who have passed, so just need to say that you’ve brought great heart and music into our world. love
Chag Pesach Sameach, Arnold! As I age, and ponder my own obituary, I find myself doing a lot of reminiscing, and so much of that involves those days half a century ago when you and David and Michael and John were annual artists-in-residence at the University of South Florida, and you all were kind enough to come on my radio show at WUSF and allow me to practice my fledgling interviewer skills on you. Anyhow, I think of you often and love this newsletter/blog. I don’t think I’ve missed an edition since you launched Key of Strawberry. Hope it remains ripe for years to come! All very best to you, Judith
Also, not quite belatedly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! April Fool’s Day, really?
??????
Happy Birthday to the No 1 quartet violinist, and many more to follow!
This made me laugh out loud. Nicely done. Thanks!
Hello again, Dr. Arnie.
Because straying from the topic at hand is deeply encoded in my DNA, I should begin by emphasizing that I hope today’s post honors the April fool, and that you’re far from kicking, buying or going anywhere (interplanetary, that is) for many years to come.
Savoring your latest post is a bright light in my week. Your mischievous sense of the absurd sometimes spurs a similar impulse in me, but my efforts –- only, unfortunately, in retrospect — seem as if I’d written them in the CCNY cafeteria during the Lindsay administration.
Altho blog posts are emphemeral in form, some, such as most of yours, are wonderfully substantive in content, full of personal and professional insights, worthy of repeated perusal and reflection. They facilitate what EM Forster encouraged in his epitaph to Howards End: “Only connect.”
I look forward to enjoying many more of your perspectives and divertimenti. Along with other readers, I thank you for the infectious vivacity and creativity you share with us.
If there is a higher consciousness in the universe, and if it’s true that we are all “a fractal of it”, then you will continue to engage and inspire us with your music and humor on into the eons…let it be so. Otherwise, we your listeners and readers are grateful to have shared some conscious moments here on earth while you are among us.Looking very dapper on April 1.
Dear Arnold, happy birthday! We are sure that you and us still have to make lots of trips together around the world before someone will write our obituary!!!
Love
Maru & Paolo
Please don’t talk of your passing, now in my 80’s too many friends are doing just that.
I live at a retirement home in Santa Barbara and a wonderful cellist retired here who you probably knew just died. Donald McCall. The only bright point, his wonderful pupil,
Clive Greensmith, teaching now at Coburn, came and played a memorial for him.
Mazal Tov, Mr. Steinhardt! I am a first violinist in a string quartet here in Niteroi, Brazil and I am a huge fan of your artistry both in music and writing. Always an inspiration. I wish you many years ahead of you with lots of texts here and music! Best regards.
Belated birthday wishes to a fave writer …collect these into a book someday…they are fun to read and re-read ! Why not have funny obits ! I confess to writing a few when I journal- now I know the expert Dr. Arnie !
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