Arnold Steinhardt and Dr. Arnie Once Again
April 1, 2025
Arnold Steinhardt: Hello Dr. Arnie. How nice to see you again.
Dr. Arnie: Wish I could say the same, but at least I’ve been expecting you. If it’s April 1st, Steinhardt shows up. Tell me, are you going to ask me dumb questions like last year, such as how many musicians are there in a string quartet?
AS: Nah, I’ve something different in mind. This year, I’d simply like to entertain you.
Dr. A: Wait a minute. You, one of those oh-so-serious, stuffy classical violinists, are going to entertain me by what—standing on your head playing the fiddle, or playing it behind your back?
AS: No, sir. I’m going to entertain you by telling some of my favorite April Fools jokes.
Dr. A: Well I’ll be hornswoggled.
AS: French or English hornswoggled?
Dr. A: Not funny, Steinhardt, but let’s hear the jokes. I’m ready, Freddy.
AS: Actually, Freddy is the subject of my first story. Freddy Fratkin, that is, who loved to play April Fools pranks. My friend and mentor, the violinist Josef Gingold, loved to tell Freddy Fratkin stories. For example, during World War II, Freddy went down to the Empire State Building with a ball of string and asked a perfect stranger on the sidewalk to help the war effort by holding one end of the string, He told the man that his colleague from the Government was out with a cold, and that it was of utmost importance to measure the building more finely, in order to guard against enemy attacks. Of course, the stranger accepted out of patriotic duty. Then Freddy unrolled the ball of string until it reached around the corner to the next side of the building, and talked another stranger into doing the same with the other end . Both people were of course clueless about each other. That’s when Freddy left for home.
Dr. A: And that became known as “holding the line.”
AS: Sometimes life played pranks back on Freddy, however. One evening Freddy returned home from work only to be told by Mrs. Fratkin that their dog had died early in the morning and was already smelling up their apartment. So Freddy put the dog in a suitcase and went out onto the streets of New York City with no idea of what to do. The only thing he could think of was to go to his local bar, order a drink, and ask the bartender for advice. “Take the dog to the nearest police station, Freddy, and they’ll tell you what to do with your dead dog,” the bartender recommended. Good idea, Freddy thought. He paid for the drink and reached down for his suitcase, but someone had stolen it.
Dr. A: Doggone it.
AS: One of my favorite April Fools jokes came from the BBC. They produced a news report about the annual harvesting of spaghetti. Locals were viewed picking the spaghetti which hung in abundance from “spaghetti trees” and then placing them in the sun to dry. The announcer explained that it took decades of crossbreeding before successfully getting every single spaghetti to be exactly the same length. Shortly after the airing, the BBC was swamped with calls and letters thanking them for the educational and interesting news report revealing where spaghetti actually came from.
Dr. A: I thought the stork brought it.
AS: Then there was the joke we students played on Toshiya Eto, who led the string class at the Curtis Institute of Music. Eto was a taskmaster who made each of us in the violin section, one by one, play difficult passages. It was embarrassing and humiliating to have our weaknesses exposed not only to ourselves but also to our fellow students. So we violinists cooked something up in response. Max, one of the violinists, bought a cheap, beat up old violin at a local junk shop, and in string class on April Fools Day he pretended to play badly when Eto chose him. Of course, Eto began to chew Max out for his poor playing, but Max interrupted him by suddenly standing up from his chair and shouting “Nothing week after week but criticism! I’ve had enough.” And with that, Max rushed from the back of the violin section to Eto’s conducting podium and broke the violin over it. Poor Eto almost had a heart attack, for I’m not even sure he knew, having grown up in Japan, what April Fools Day was. Fortunately, Eto turned out to be amused and a good sport once he realized it was all in fun.
Dr. A: Was the violin a Smashivarius?
AS: And on this day I inevitably think of my brother Victor. At one point Victor organized “The Second Annual April Fools Day Concert.” Mind you, there was no first April Fools concert. It began with the second and remained the second every year afterwards. At one such event, Victor walked onstage immaculately dressed in tails, sat down at the concert grand piano decorated only with a vase filled with flowers on the piano’s closed lid, and proceeded to play Chopin’s “Funeral March.” After perhaps only a minute or so of music, the piano, resting on stage risers slowly began to sink from view along with Victor. Even after disappearing completely, the funeral march never stopped, but after another moment, the piano began to rise again. Once in full view, however, the audience saw a different pianist playing, and Victor laid out on the piano lid with closed eyes, serenely holding the flowers.
Dr. A: Ah, the ups and downs of life and death.
AS: Victor did a sweet thing on one of those April Fools concerts. He announced to the audience that it was my birthday, and asked them to sing “Happy Birthday” to me. “His name is Arnold,” he told them. My brother has a wacky sense of humor, but in this case he had no intention of being funny. The way Victor said it somehow cracked the audience up. And when the laughter stopped, the audience sang “Happy Birthday” to me. Victor sent me a recording of it, and hearing Victor deliver those words, the laughter, and then all those people singing “Happy Birthday” to me was one of the best birthday presents ever.
Dr. A: So, happy birthday, Steinhardt.
AS: Thanks, Dr. Arnie.
Dr. A: I still don’t see what’s so funny about “His name is Arnold.”
AS: You had to be there.
Dr. A: But I wasn’t.
AS: Never mind, I’ll see you next April 1st.
Dr. A: If you’re lucky.
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Comments
Dear Arnold,
Very Happy Birthday to both of you! Be as brilliant as ever!
With love,
Leonid
Happy Birthday, AS and Dr. Arnie!
Lots of giggles and LOLS to start my day.
xoxo. Cathy
Thanks for several good laughs. Most welcome in these dark times. My favorite is the prank on Eto. I played a similar one many years ago, in the Woodstock era. Among my friends — pot-smokers, all — was one whose parents checked his eyes for redness every night. Thus he became a frequent user of Visine to hide signs of his having partaken of the illicit herb. The little money we all had went to euphoria-producing substances and the pursuit of girls, so this particular friend could hardly afford the added expense of costly Visine. Thus, we, his good buddies, surreptitiously retrieved a Visine squeeze bottle after he’d emptied it. We then filled it with water in preparation for our next meeting of the mindless. On that occasion, after consuming our ration, this friend brought out a fresh bottle of Visine. Feigning curiosity, I asked to read the label on the pretext of determining Visine’s ingredients. After covertly swapping bottles, I declared Visine to be a fraudulent, inexpensive mix of saline and sucrose. My friend immediately objected, citing its effectiveness, and I countered by asking the group to sample it and offer their views on its value. Given our inanity and barely restrained mirth, it wasn’t long before we were squirting the supposedly precious formula at each other, provoking near-cardiac arrest in our close friend. After hearing our self-congratulatory explanation, his great relief only barely exceeded his considerable resentment, leading to his plan — like that of Fortunato — to exact revenge on us all. But that’s a story for another time.
???????HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Arnold!!!?????????
With Love from Nancy & Hal
Awwww gee! Bravo again! Outdoing yourself!
Thanks for the chuckles. You are a treasure!
Thank you Arnold and Dr Arnie for the wonderful laughs!
And happiest birthday! Please keep writing, and laughing!
Love from Lisa and Victor (Lisa’s husband, not your brother)
PS_ I am emailing you a photo of you juggling oranges with Pearl watching you! Love to Dodo too!
I smile every time I get the email announcing a new column. Thanks!
Always marvelous writing
Happy Birthday and many happy second returns! Long live Dr Arnie!
Love these stories!!
Dear Dr. Arnie and Arnold, this is Michael Nicholas, your former student (from the first year you taught at Rutgers in 1988). I’ve written you a birthday message but It is probably too long for this comments section. Is there an email address where I can write to you? I’ll write you on Facebook also so you know it’s really me. Happy Birthday to you!
I was principal cellist of the UCLA symphony when Victor, as piano soloist, was rehearsing the Brahms Piano Concerto #2. For those that do not know this concerto intimately, it begins with a solo French horn followed by a ‘comment’ from the piano, and then the same sequence happens again to complete the opening phrase. Before the rehearsal, however, Victor had made a plan with the horn player that they would both play their parts a half step higher than written. Since only the horn and the piano play during these opening measures, unless a listener has perfect pitch it would not be apparent that the opening was in the wrong key — that is until the orchestra enters, apparently playing all wrong notes. And so it was that at that moment, conductor Mehli Mehta (Zubin’s father) almost fell off the podium in shock and confusion. Of course, riotous laughter instantly erupted throughout the orchestra.
Happy Belated Birthday, Arnold! Thanks for this delightful story and all the rest. Wishing you many more moons of birthdays!
Happy Birthday Mr Steinhardt,
my son, Anton (Toscha) Seidel have at the same day Birthday. Which wonder!!! But only 18 Years…
Andreas Seidel
Dear Dr. Arnie,
I think you have shown yourself to be a really good guy! I’m a big fan!
If you see the other guy, the one who stole your initials, pretend that I sent birthday greetings to him through you, ok?
Groeten van de begane grond!
While I studied Urban Planning at University of Oregon 1965-69, I spent much time at the School of Music, where my future wife, pianist Emily Parker, returned to complete her Music degree.
We so enjoyed The Annual April Fools Day Concert, and Victor’s stunt with the Chopin “Funeral March” is my most cherished memory from one such. [It may have been Charles Farmer who took over playing when the piano was out of sight — a musically flawless transition.].
Emily studied with Victor at least one year about 1968/69.
That was a fun-loving and creative faculty whose delightful foolishness could thrive under the Deanship of Robert Trotter. In the same Concert with Victor’s wonderful Chopin scene, Dean Trotter amazed us with a skit of his own — in which – dressed as an Indian holy-man from waist down, bare-chested, and wearing a turban – he sat meditatively on a rug on floor with his back to the piano keyboard. After drawing us into his entranced meditating, he reached his hands behind him over his shoulder and, facing the audience, played a rapid and exuberant rendition of “Dixie”. Astounding – that he could do that.
Thank you for reporting Victor’s fun stunt.`And Happy Birthday!““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““`
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